Monday, February 15, 2010

No Foreign Objects

As I am getting ready to leave the hospital post ovary/fallopian tube/uterus removal, the PA (Physician's Assistant) comes in to walk me through all of the details I need to know. I get a nice little checklist of medications, when I have to come in for follow-up appointments, rules about no lifting, rules about no exercising, etc.

My favorite part of her speech comes next. She takes a breath, and then like an auctioneer at an antique show, gets right into "There can be nothing in the vagina for 6 weeks, no douches, no tampons, no foreign objects (WHOA, HANG ON FOR JUST A MINUTE-- I want to interrupt and ask exactly what kinds of foreign objects other women thought might be a good idea to insert after surgery but she is on a roll so I am going to hold my question until the end), no sexual intercourse, did I mention no sexual intercourse for 6 weeks." Then she looks at my husband, Jeff, and reiterates loudly "NO SEXUAL INTERCOURSE FOR 6 WEEKS!!"

I am quietly giggling to myself. This is like 8th grade health class. I suppose Jeff and I should be really clinical and mature, since we are discussing post surgical restrictions and all, but it feels like a lecture from a very stern pro-abstinence Sunday school teacher. Jeff doesn't even know where to look. "Great, OK then, I'm going to just pull the car around and I think we're all set. OK, thanks, perfect."

I never did get to ask about the foreign objects.

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