Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Garden of Pharmacological Delight

Having major surgery means you get to try out lots of different types of drugs. Legally. Percoset, Vicodin, Oxycontin, all the big boys. Unfortunately for me, painkillers make me nauseous and shaky. Dammit! I think it would be a lot more appropriate and fair if I got a huge buzz from painkillers. Right? I mean, recovery would be a whole lot more fun.

Now, if only my doctors would prescribe some morphine for me to take at home. I could not believe how RIDICULOUSLY EUPHORIC I felt my first night after surgery on that stuff. After settling in to my bed, the nurse placed a little joystick (aptly named) in my hand, with a button on the top. "If you feel discomfort, just press the button and you will self-administer morphine."

Me (rapidly pressing the button over and over again as though I'm playing Space Invaders, and YES, I recognize that referencing Space Invaders completely dates me since this is only relevant if you grew up in the 70's): "Um, I assume you have this rigged up so I don't accidentally overdose myself?"

Nurse (curtly, perhaps?): "Of course, you can only receive a prescribed amount."

'Nuff said.

Basically, I hit that button regularly all night long and experienced moments where I was completely one with the universe. I figured out how to achieve world peace. I understood calculus. I came to terms with my feelings about my mother. I haven't felt like this since the Dead show at the Meadowlands in '89. WHEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Ah well. Short lived euphoria in the garden of pharmacological delight. Now it's back to reality and a bit of ibuprofen now and then.

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